We are all on a journey. Some of us were given a road to follow that we didn't ask for and one that we never would have wanted. So here we are. In my mind I always think of it as "The Unwanted Journey" or "The Unchosen Journey". Part of my journey consists of the loss of my son.
I used to say that if anything ever happens to one of my kids, you may as well take me as well because I could never handle it. It was my worst nightmare and fear. I know you can relate. I have even found myself wondering if somehow I caused this to happen because I feared it so much. Thinking that way just added to my pain. I noticed many other thoughts swirling around in my mind that tried to assign myself some kind of blame. Even thinking this should have never happened and he didn't deserve this made me feel like crap because there was nothing I could do to change it.
What I eventually began to realize is that by resisting my current reality, I was not helping myself to move forward and allow myself to begin the healing process. I may not have asked for or wanted this road to walk but I figured I had two choices. I could move forward and see what lies ahead for me, or stay stuck where I was. Staying stuck did not seem like a viable option. I could not imagine feeling the way I did for the rest of my life. That does not mean I would ever feel happy about what happened or that I didn't wish that it could be different. However, spending all of my time and energy thinking in that way was not helping me feel any better, it was making me feel worse.
I decided to try working toward some acceptance for my life as it now is. That felt like a first step that I could allow myself to take. It allowed me to begin to heal without the added burden of resistance. My hope for you is that you can try to begin to let go of some of the resistance that you may be experiencing in your own life by allowing a little bit of acceptance for yourself instead.
Until next time,
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